3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
