its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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