I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
