Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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