Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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