I have demons in me.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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