I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
