You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
