If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?