He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you