i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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