farters have to be the big spoon...
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
