walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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