Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
