she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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