My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
