you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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