Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
