You smell like a Billy Joel song
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
