please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
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I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The power of my boobs compel you
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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