Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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