I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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