i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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