Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
