Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
