I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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