i already hear my dad disowning me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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