Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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