You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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