how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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