I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
