Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
