dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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