the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
