Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
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hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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