it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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