Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
