This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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