I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
i need to put some appletini on your dick
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
