I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Randomize
