I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
