He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
