She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
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the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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