This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
