There was a lot of him and a little penis
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
