I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
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And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
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The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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