is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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