Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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