Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
