The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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