Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
