6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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