Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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