I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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