I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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